At Degrassi High…..

Asylum of the Dead (2014) looks like a film made by the high school students at Degrassi Junior High. I keep waiting for Wheels and Joey Jeremiah to show up with a bucket of corn syrup. That being said, no one needs corn syrup in a film that has, so far, zero blood and barely as much makeup as I have at the bottom of my purse. Yes, I said, SO FAR. I didn’t feel compelled to finish the film before beginning my review as it seems pretty clear that there aren’t going to be any redeeming moments.

The story follows a group of youths (we know this because they wear backpacks) wandering about the old abandoned Penhurst Asylum, soon to be Penhurst Asylum Haunted Themepark…….but didn’t you hear about the film crew that was here? They disappeared! After encountering many a poorly made up ghost and ghoul. Hipster youth tells the tale, and we stumble into the story within a story, only occasionally returning to this crew of not quite camera ready kiddos, who make poorly executed references to things like The Walking Dead…….

Story in a story follows cast and crew of Haunted America or Ghost Trackers or Haunted hunters or some such thing as they explore Penhurst asylum, getting the occasional history lesson from Willard, the ‘caretaker’ of the property, who lurks in the shadows, tells the clan to ‘leeeeeeave’, and offers to show them where to find ghosts. Mixed messages, bro. The group consists of Not Hilary Duff, Not Jessica Biel (aka 7th Heaven sister), Tattoos, old guy, other old guy, and sound guy. There might be another one, but they’ve blurred together. IMDB has almost zero information on this movie, so I’m unable to quote you actors names until I make it to the credits. Good ‘ol fashioned IMDB.

Everyone inevitably splits up, wanders the halls as wheelchairs move, gurneys spin and particularly unghostly looking ghosts show up and, quite frankly, do very little. Let it be noted that this is all filmed during daylight, amidst a backdrop of very obviously fake graffiti, that doesn’t exactly lend itself to doom and dread.Gradually, members of the group are accosted by the mysterious masked whitecoat, hauled off to equally well lit rooms and experimented on and slowly eliminated in lackluster ways. Well, old guy number one does get a little extra slice and dice, but sadly, it doesn’t pack the punch it needs to.

We get sent back to the kids and their campfire tales from time to time (how hipster boy knows all these details when none of it was caught on film and everyone seemingly died…..). Two of them split from the group to make out, because urine soaked halls are a turn on.

I’m not giving you any more details, but spoiler alert, the crappy doctor ghost turn out to be Micheal Rooker! Maybe not a plot twist, but I was surprised, and confused. And then saddened. And I thought how badly things must be going for Mr. Rooker following his death on The Walking Dead. Why, you might wonder, is Micheal Rooker in a film that I had originally thought Haylie Duff was too good for. Well, the last and final twist, after the film concludes (stupidly) is that Asylum of the Dead is, in fact, DIRECTED BY MICHEAL ROOKER. God god.

It doesn’t matter what this film is about, all that matters is that it’s unspeakably terrible! Literally no redeeming qualities, as predicted. Now that I’ve ruined the surprise, if it was really an intended surprise, you don’t have to watch it, because I can assure you, you haven’t missed a thing.

Husband’s Sound bite : (in response to my question of ‘how did they even get THESE actors to be in this garbage?) Because everyone needed fifty bucks.

Life Lessons:

1. Don’t quit your day job, direction is NOT for everyone.

2. Quit taunting ghosts, dude. Even terrible looking ones.

3. Never drink or do drugs or have sex. Randy isn’t wrong about his rules in such a run of the mill ‘horror’ movie.

4. Pay for special effects and makeup, it will make a difference.

5. Lay off the meth, because needing fifty bucks for drugs is the only reason anyone would ever agree to be involved in this movie.