I Got Fev-ah!

So, the thing about Cabin Fever 3 is that if you can read the title, and are smart enough to discern that the film is about contagion, you don’t need to see the first two. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen Cabin Fever, and I’ve got a real soft spot for it, masking that true underlying fear of disease (lets not discuss Ebola just now). There’s a sick humor to the film, and a delightful campiness that is clearly intended. If you have the stomach for a skin loosening good time, check it out.

As for the third in the trilogy (I’m using that term loosely), Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero, we stumble into some sort of mysterious underground lab. A Zach Galifinakis lookalike is weeping in the restraint of some hazmatted fellows. ‘Zach’ is patient zero, an unbelievable doctor tells us. Accompanied by his pornographically shaped nurse, he gives us very little information except to say that our patient is asymptomatic. Perhaps he is the answer to the cure! Now, Zachs not pumped about being captive, and moans and groans, eventually slicing his hand and splattering blood on the techs. Ah, bloody revenge! Cut to nurse science boobs getting blood vomited on, stripping her clothes off to jump hysterically in the lab shower. Well, we all know she’s dead.
The story is spliced with another, a group of greasy young guys and one sleazy gal escape pre wedding festivities in a tropical setting to head out to the third world version of a cabin in the woods, a deserted island. Wait, is that a building in the distance?? Our Spanish speaking boat captain offers no help, except to say, see you mañana, amigos! No matter, smoke some weed and snorkel amidst the ….dead and rotting fish? Curious. Soon enough, symptoms arise, boils and scabs and bloody wounds. Tents are painted with blood and a pathetic underlying love triangle is forgotten. There is an obligatory disgusting sex scene. Because why wouldn’t you calm down your feverish and oozing girlfriend by getsin down?

As the threat posed by the fever becomes rapidly apparent, the two healthy castaways search for the structure they saw coming in. Amidst a good deal of slime and slop, the stories converge in a slightly nonsensical way ( let’s face it, this movies not amazing).

Needless to say, Cabin Fever 3 follows all the patterns of the first, it hits all the necessary high points we expect, but doesn’t have the humor of the original . It’s not great, it’s not even bad great, but it is predictable fun and boy, is it gross. So if you’re in it for fun and splatter, go crazy, but don’t seek this one out, it’s not worth your time. Watch the first one instead.

Non horror loving husbands review: no thanks, I like my skin where it is.

Life lessons:
1. If you’re going so far from civilization that you come in contact with deadly diseases with the power to destroy the world, just in the name of partying, you’re going too far. At least the diseases at the bar can be treated with penicillin. ( you, daughter, will always be innocent and lovely and will never party of course.)
2. If there’s an option to bed someone who, though attractive, is being rapidly covered with boils and sores, maybe you can do better.
3. Learn Spanish.
4. The sluttier you are, the faster you die. Keep it in your pants.
5. For gods sake, don’t drink the water!