Pluralizing Bigfoot

So, here’s the thing about Bigfoot Wars (2014). Maybe just don’t.

This film is an abomination. Set in Boggy Creek (yes, Boggy Creek, folks), Bigfoot Wars follows a plethora of one dimensional characters trying to be two dimensional characters as they are plagued by a wave of bigfoots. Plural. Bigfeet? The typical car full of yappy teenagers drives out to the Boggy woods where there is a patch of sand and a beach volleyball net. Sounds like a northern Alberta beach to me! They are promptly eviscerated by terrible looking sasquatches with a penchant for syrupy blood. Bring on the sheriff, who occasionally and always nonsensically, narrates his portion of the story. Enter his daughter, Trampy Mcgee, Doctor Bullrider (Judd Nelson. When was the last time you heard someone say, ‘Things are really coming up Judd Nelson’?), uneducated nurse, Gale Weathers, camera guy, and Darryl Dixon. Pepper in some random mayoral fellows and a sleazy hooker who might be banking her career on being a far less endearing version of Sarah Rue, and you’ve got yourself a creature feature, my friend.

There’s no story to speak of, yet this film plods away for what feels like an eternity as you strain to hear what is happening. The sound is terrible. Landmines sound like a pin drop, gunshots echo incessantly one minute and are silent the next. The audio work on this film sounds like it was done by a six year old. The timeline doesn’t exactly feel linear, but you find yourself caring less and less about trying to piece together the plot points and make any damn sense of what you’re seeing.

The acting is, by and large, atrocious, and the bigfoot costumes look half Chewbacca and half afro. Bigfoot wars takes itself far too seriously and it is nothing more than silliness. Admittedly, I like a bad movie that starts out bad and features bikini clad victims having their arms torn off by ridiculous monsters, but I”m not dumb, I know there is nothing redeemable about this slop. Bigfoot Wars is terrible, and if you really have a penchant for the genre, and are still on the edge of your seat waiting for a good film about Bigfoot, Werewolves, the Loch Ness monster, the friggen Ogo Pogo, whatever your cup of tea may be, this is not the desperately anticipated film you may have been waiting on. Sorry folks, I’ve seen better, and I mean a lot better, in a 60 minute ep of The X Files. And at least Mulder and Scully had chemistry.

Non horror loving husband’s sound bite: (in reference to the nonsensical woodland volleyball pit) It’s harder to find a reason to get a girl into a bikini than it is to get her out of it. (also in reference to the immediately following nude scene).

Life lessons:
1. Speak up, suckah! Enunciation saves lives.

2. Keep bullriding, medicine is a thankless profession.

3. Bring more than four bullets.

4. If you’ve miraculously got a grenade launcher, and find yourself about to be stampeded by a herd of bigfeet, bring more than one grenade.

5. Spring for the high quality wig for your Bigfoot movie. The two tone afro look isn’t appealing.

Bonus lesson 6. Don’t be Judd Nelson. Just don’t.